Hey guys, I’d like to discuss an issue that is important yet understated. I’m talking about Urinal Etiquette. Ladies, many of you may not realize, but while using the restroom is apparently quick and easy for us there are a strict decorum that we follow to keep this process fast and efficient. While there are the basics of “Don’t stare at another man’s Business while he’s doing his business.” there are some finer points which seem to escape a great many men. I’ve broken it down to phases for us. Let’s get started.
Phase 1: The Approach
Your approach to the urinal is very important as it sets the mood for your entire session. Most important about your approach is urinal selection. Many public will have multiple urinals which are sometimes separated by a partition, but are often only separated from the next by empty air. Sometimes you’re not even so lucky as to have that, you will occasionally encounter a restroom with a large trough as a urinal. When this is the case, you should adhere to the decorum to the best of your ability. The object when selecting a urinal is to keep distance between you and anybody else. So, if you have a bathroom with three urinals, the ones on either end are your best option. The center urinal should only be used as a last resort. Should you happen to select the center urinal, leaving the side ones unoccupied, you end up forcing the next guy to stand next to you. Once you have selected your urinal you should approach it directly and avoid making eye contact with any other occupants of the restroom. Under no circumstances should you attempt to initiate conversation. No man should ever have to talk to another man while holding onto himself.
Phase 2: The Stance
Once you have approached the proper urinal you can now assume your Stance. There are many Stances, although the Two-hand standard is most common. I will also briefly highlight a few other stances, some of which are not recommended as they can lead to potential problems.
The Two-hand standard is the most simple, effective, and reliable stance. The use of both hands allows for greater control and ensures that your pants will remain around your waist where they belong. Feet should be shoulder width apart. This gives you good balance while maintaining the comfort zone.
The Freedom Fighter is a modified version of the Two-hand where feet are spaced at greater than shoulder width and shoulders slightly back and chest forward in a heroic pose. Hand positioning is the same as Two-hand standard. This stance is recommended only if you are alone or there is plenty of distance between you and the next guy.
The Nervous Inmate is another modified version of the Two-hand where the feet are placed together. This effectively clenches your butt cheeks together. ‘Nuff said.
The One-hand Leaner is one that is not recommended as it will make anybody else in the restroom uncomfortable. As the name implies, the One-Hand Leaner only uses one hand to handle everything while they let the other hand dangle at their side or behind them. They will also lean back and occasionally look off to one side or the other. Foot positioning is often a wide stance for balance during the lean.
The ‘Look Ma, No Hands!’ is another that is not recommended. This one, while allowing freedom, gives no control and can lead to messes and misunderstandings. This stance does free up the hands to do other things, but lets be real here, you’re at a urinal… There’s nothing else that you should be doing.
The Distance Shooter is dangerous. The shooter will stand a with a wide stance two to three feet back from the urinal. This is dangerous because it is easy to, and often does, make a mess. It is also uncomfortable to any other patrons in the restroom as it allows them a free open view of the shooter’s business.
The Drunken Leaner is most often observed in bars. The Drunken leaner will assume a wide stance and use one hand on the wall or partition to aid their balance. They will often sway and can miss the urinal. The resulting mess will often put a urinal out of commission unless one wants to risk being the Distance Shooter.
Phase 3: The Business
This is the reason you’re here and, lets face it, it’s the only thing that you should be doing. You should not be looking around. Thankfully many public restrooms have ads conveniently placed at approximately eye level which give you a focal point while you’re doing your business. You should not try to engage conversation (please refer to earlier statement about conversing). Also, I cannot stress enough… Do not talk on your cell phone. This is a grievous breech of the conversation decorum, the discomfort of which is amplified by the guy next to you initially thinking that you were talking to him until he was forced to look over to see that you were on your phone (thereby forcing him to break the ‘look forward’ rule). I swear, the next time that I am doing my business and somebody begins talking on their phone I am going to do everything in my power to make them uncomfortable including, but not limited to: grunting, groaning, heavy sighs of relief, throaty statements such as “Oh ya…” “That’s good….” “I needed that…”
Phase 4: The Finish and Exit
This last phase consists of The Shake and your exit of the restroom. There is a lot to be said for the old phrase “If you shake it more than twice, you’re playing with it.” Don’t stand there for too long waving it around. Just get your business done and make your way to the sink. Exit in the same manner that you approached, directly and with minimal contact. Wash and dry. Please, don’t skip the dry step… There is nothing worse than having to shake the hand of someone who didn’t dry. You’re never quite sure if it’s just wash water or if they missed.
Well, there we have it. Hopefully this will enlighten some men who are apparently oblivious to urinal etiquette. Please pass this on to anybody who may find it useful. The more who know, the better.
